Chapter 8: My daily walk in my mind

There is a little corner of the world where I grew up, a house, no, no one would ever call that house a mansion, but man, is it a HOME!

I can see the main road of my little town in my minds eye, I round the corner where Quartedeck meets the main road and on your left is Dalebrook, a beautiful tidal pool, with as many memories as the house I miss! As my mind strolls down further I approach the pedestrian crossing and push the button. The building in front of me is the new-ish Community Centre, but in my childish mind it is still the public library, the library my sister fought with all her heart for, to keep open when she was barely a teen, but alas the meeting with the mayor was unsuccessful and our beloved library was shut down. I have many memories there too! My favorite being Saturday mornings we would colour-in in the childrens' section and there was an old box of mixed crayons and we would search the box for bits of pastels as they made the most delightful "click" on the page when you coloured!

I walk by the library, and cross Dalebrook street, the little hotel in the corner is no longer there, in its place is a film and media school. we used to climb those stairs on the way home from the beach walking just in a swimsuit and a towel and some days "sloffies" if the tar was hot. On my left across the street is a little patch of grass, as kids we would run races after a swim or wait on the bench there, now there is a strange looking round table there, I'm told it is art, I guess it must be.

I climb upon a little stone wall, about waist high, and try to balance as I walk the length, this was always so much fun especially when you had cousins and siblings all in a line, only many, many years on when my own daughter was walking this wall did it cross my mind that this was a cemetery and may have been considered disrespectful to be walking on its walls! The Anglican church, we knew the minister well when we were little, his son attended our school, his older brother was yummy and i think he had a sister too. My sister and I would go for walks along Quarterdeck road and pick wild flowers, we'd leave it on their doorstep and ring the bell and run, hoping they thought the faeries left them!

Edward Mansions come into sight, a cold shaded part of the main road, now used for shops, a good friend lived in what is now a jewelry store. Across the street are little curios stores and a nursery, these were real houses when we were young, there even used to be a flee market at one time in the vacant parking area.

My feet feel the cobbles of Rosmead road, so many neighbours and memories flood my mind as I cross the street, so much has changed and so much has stayed the same. The old man who used to live in this house comes to mind, what would he think of his house being an Art gallery now? I used to babysit for the owners of Aardvark, I used to babysit for so many of these people.

The old church that was shut down, and boarded up and we were convinced was haunted, now a theater and restaurant. The orange building comes into sight, like you can miss it, and I walk up Rouxville road, with Marie Video and Thompson flats in view, the crazy lady that used to live there pops into my mind and I laugh!

Then I see it, my park... Oh how I miss you! The swings that soothed broken hearts and caused broken bones, and you could pedal and reach the stars! The merry-go-round that I was one of the "fastest pushers" of! The little corner where the "parkie" used keep his things in his shed. The bench between the two trees, that bench heard so many secrets and lies, saw so many young friends become lovers and was a bed for many a bergie. The one tree was awesome for climbing while the other was dangerous as it had little red bits that would shake down onto you, get into your clothes and make you itch! There is a rock at the back of the park, two actually, we used to play "red rover" and the little rock was den. My mind wanders across the park and sees the wooden play structure, Oh how i miss the blue jungle gym where we played "on-on" for hours and hours! Where you could climb to the top and see the sea from, but it was removed as some locals decided it was dangerous. I remember kids breaking arms and legs falling from the top of the very high slide and falling out of swings and trees, but I do not recall a single incident on that jungle gym.

I pass our neighbours house, I still remember their front stoop, its been closed in now, our stoop is still there, our house is still old, people can say what they want, our house is still HOME, the best home I have ever entered. There is always love here, always a cup of tea and a plate of food for someone off the street or someone close to our hearts. The plumbing may be old, the roof may need mending but the things inside this house cannot be bought for any amount of money. This is a house that always has a bed for someone visiting or in distress. It always has a blanket for a cold person off the street. It always has time to help people from the community with everything from scholarship applications to making a will. Its a place where the Lord provides for our needs and not our wants. A place of Happiness and Joy where every room knows that everyone who ever passed through this house will remember this house. The house that helped them get on their feet, helped them build their mansion or fund the travels. The house that asks for nothing in return except that you take in your heart what you have seen or learnt here and perhaps visit once in awhile...

Chapter9, Cut all the loose ends off!

This was a crazy time, terminating employment, getting school records, securing tickets, argh I'm glad its over. So here I sit in present day America! The land of milk and honey, where most people are lactose intolerant and allergic to bees; the land of the free-ks! Just kidding, I know many amazing Americans, most of whom think I lived in grass huts and kept a fire going to ward off lions! Yes, I love you all anyways, even if you think my accent is cool.

I packed my life up and moved across the Atlantic for so many, many reasons but primarily for love. It is an amazing feeling to find the genuine article, indescribable, you just... know. You really are willing to move the world to be with the person and the most awesome part is they would do the same for you. Once you have put aside your insecurities, once that person shows you that truly you are most important to me for so many more reasons than personal pleasure. I want you, I choose you, I choose you to grow old with, to experience life with, to clean up disgusting messes with, to find out sad news with, to support through excruciatingly emotional times, and then, then to enjoy every happiness life has to offer with you. That is what makes being away from my homeland worth every heartache.

As my children get older and start experiencing life and all the ups and downs that get thrown their way, I envision their futures and try to imagine mine. The stones we lay in the foundations of childhood will carry them to a place of love. Yes I suppose I am feeling quite deep today, but do know it is not a bullshit deep, just a genuine kind of deep as an after effect of a weekend of great friendship and love. And of course a few bottles of wine!

Chapter7, Our leap of faith

I'm not sure why, but for the life of me I cannot remember leaving Cape Town, the day I left is a blur, I remember landing in London and spending a glorious day with my wonderful niece and my lifelong friend. I remember leaving London, and flying across the Atlantic and landing in Seattle International, and I even remember every detail of going through customs, praying that my internet man would be waiting for me whence I came out...but leaving Cape Town escapes me. It was clearly not the first step of my journey that was important to me!

I had a backup plan! After all the convincing I had to do to myself and family and friends, there was still the great "What if?" What if I got all the way to Seattle and it was all a big joke, a hoax, a lie a sick fantasy gone wrong! I would be left stranded with my two little ones in a very unfamiliar country. The butterflies in my stomach we more like ostriches trying their worse to flutter! If my worse nightmare came true, I told myself that I would simply hop the plane back to London and spend five weeks with my niece and the rest of our extended family there, and put my pride in my pocket and go home slightly wounded and more experienced in this wild thing we call life.

I was among the last passengers to disembark, its easier that way travelling with kids. We went through Customs they checked EVERY piece of luggage inside and out! Anyone who has ever travelled knows the nervous feeling of coming out into "public view" and searching for that familiar face.... Where is he? Bearing in mind I had only ever seen this man's photo... Is that him? and once a brief video clip of Awful quality... Tell me thats NOT him! Scanning a mental image of him and trying to match it up...... Oh sweet Jesus!

He came over and we were both so nervous for a full 30 seconds! hugs and kisses for kids and I and then off to pack the car. I do not travel light. Needless to say the 2 door mustang was an issue. but after much shoving, pushing and re-arranging we finally got everything and everyone IN!

The next few weeks we were tourists and he the most hospitable guide! The kids were wonderful travellers and the jetlag soon wore off. We had a magical White Christmas and did not want to leave. He proposed as soon as he could, what was I to do,he had an amazing family, a great job, a stable and secure man who is also sexy and sensitive (and not gay!) Of course I said yes! And then surprise I'm pregnant!!!! At least my kids have great age gaps.

We stayed up till crazy hours discussing our game plan, I had to go home resign my job, pack up the kids and my stuff (from a house I lived in 27years) and move to USA in less than 5months! ( I did my research, not safe flying after 6months) I could hear the lectures already! Oh the scandal! My guy was shocked too as this late in his life he did not dream he would become a real daddy. It all seems so surreal now thinking back, but so exciting too! He was so excited, called his mom and sounded like a kid on Christmas! "we're getting married, we're having a baby! Yes, she's gonna move here!"

I left Seattle, feeling like a part of me would shatter if I didnt return very soon to be with him again, I wish he could meet my family, but there just wasnt time now. It would be less complicated to have our baby be born in America as a citizen and then do paperwork just for 2 kids and I. Time, time, time why do you always elude me? I wish I could explain to my children how to enjoy their childhood slowly, enjoy life's pace, enjoy the seemingly petty arguments and disagreements of their youth! For me that all changed at 16 and life went from cruising to circiut racing: "And they're off!"

Chapter 6: The Internet Affair

My phone had somehow become an extention of my arm, most viewed it as an addiction, but truth be told, it was (and still is) my security blanket. See a smart phone is a wonderful thing when you feel alone in the world. With a simple click you are connected to the entire planets database of people who feel the same as you, or worse. People desperate to find love, happiness and mostly just a friend. In South Africa and I guess in many countries, people are so scared to face the reality of a real person, they feel much safer chatting to a guy on the internet than chatting to a random guy on the street, even though the guy on the internet could be a lesbian, posing as a guy to get close to girls or a lil old lady with strange fantasies. Its a risk chatters take, as it feels like a safer risk than meeting a real life person and discovering they are not perfect, just like you. Many people also see the internet as an evil invasion of privacy, a platform where people can scam you and infiltrate your bank details, take over your life and even make it so that you do not exist! well people, yes I guess that happens, it can happen to you, so proceed with caution.
So the sites I haunted were varied. I tried every free site I heard of, the dating sites I steered clear of because most of them either asked you to pay a subscription fee or a once off payment. While others just looked creepy to me. I'm sorry but the: "Hi, my name is (insert random name here), I love you, will you marry me?" just wasn't what I was looking for, I wanted independence and to be a strong, powerful woman, whom men wanted, but would never get! I wanted to Hurt their species like I had been hurt. Many times I'd be chatting in a group and men would ask for contact details and I would get great joy out of rejecting them. There were also the sex chatters on all sites, you know the type, alias names like " HARD4U" or "thicnjuici" They enter a room and most are ignored as they type things like "holler 123, for a hard time with me" Horrors, when they are suficiently ignored the smart ones just leave while the majority of them will harrass you with IM's (instant messages) or PM's (private messages) Mostly I would try chatting some sense into them, "dude, do your neurological processes prohibit you from using courteous conversation to engage one in meaningful communication? " And they'd be scared off, or we'd laugh and get chatting, I met some real nice people that way, we discussed politics and science and the purposes of life, which ended up being far more pleasurable for both parties as opposed to what they were looking for.

So the site of my preference was losing numbers and so I was told about a new chatsite, more developed
more fun options, so I gave it a go! My favorite feature of this site was it had a trivia room, and I could access it from my cellphone! After a few weeks on this site i had come the following conclusions: Internet marriages were weird, and Americans were weirder! This site was dodgy, the characters shady! Mostly an all American site, but others here and there. So I sat in the trivia room like a library nerd and just answered the questions that were spat into the room by the automated site, you had a bit of time to answer the question before the system told you the answer. no points just pride. Another plus in this chat was that the sex chatters generally stayed out of the Triva room. Until one night. It was late, and after 3 guys one after the other came in harrassing me, I had no energy or pluck to combat them with smart words, I figured the next guy that comes in I'm gonna harass HIM!!! Damn men!

Shortly a male user enters, before he can get a word out, I ask him one of the common phrases guys usually askes invovling asking if you have horns. The gentleman that he is he ignores my suggestion and engages me in meaningful conversation using his neurological processes to emit conversation that was pleasurable as well as intense. Finally a man who is not just seeking a woman as prey, but can converse with intellegence and integrity. We chatted for 24hours straight longer some days, breaking occassionally when he had to work, it was school holidays for me. We caught each other online waiting for the other. We were so caught up enjoying each others company that the basic details of ASL were over looked. (Age, Sex, Location)

So one afternoon we are chatting as usual and this girl starts messaging me, saying he is a liar he is a dirty old man. She says he is 44. I was shocked but I wasn't about to let some little teenager spoil my friendship. I graciously told her that age is of no importance to me, as we had never discussed it. Her bubble burst, she left us. His profile displayed his age as 35, he looked 28,maybe 30. I was 26, 44 was the age of my eldest sibling. We discussed it for awhile and decided that age was not as issue, it did feel weird, but after chatting so long he was already melting my very frozen heart slowly. But that did not change the fact that America and South Africa were very, very far away from each other.

He is a great dreamer and explorer, a knight in shining armour to a woman who was so wounded. he was interested in my children and me and me and me and... me! lol He spoke of whisking me away and giving me a good life, a family all the things I wanted, and i wanted desperately to believe him. But, come on, this is the internet! I went along with his dreams and mine, no harm in pretending. The imagination is an amazing escape. I priced plane tickets and we spoke of being together some day soon! Somehow the he crept completely into my real life, which at first frightened me greatly but then strengthened me. We decided to take the plunge, we were going to meet!

Hiss friends and collegues gave him a hard time, saying bringing a woman over from Africa would only lead to being scammed, saying I was only after his money! (still looking for it btw lol) My friends and family were worried, what if he lived in a trailer with six kids and was an abuser? or worse!  I was called an irresponsible mother! My parents wanted him to come meet them first. I had my reasons for wanting to come to the USA before he went to South Africa.

South Africa, Cape Town, Kalk Bay. That was what my children knew. That was where they knew their father. I was not only taking them on a holiday to the USA, I was taking them to meet someone so important to me, someone I believe will be a great asset to our family, our family that was missing a paternal partner. I wanted my kids to get to know him on American soil so that they would see him as a new member of our family and not a replacement.

We discussed the possibilities from every possible angle, what could happen and the pro's and cons were even. We decide to split the cost of the airfare. He wired money to my account and that day was a milestone for us both. He risked me being a scammer and running off with his money and I gained his trust by his gesture. After 11months of chatting and very high phone bills on his side, we were finally going to meet.

Chapter 5, A school teachers life is never simple

I was so over-confident at my job intervew for this post, It was September, the College year began in January and ended in October. So with a few weeks to spare till the end of the final year of study I happened upon an advert placed in a lil local newspaper, actually I saw it a few times and something about it just made me certain it was mine. I only applied at the very last minute and made no other applications whatsoever. My family had much history in the community, 4 of my 8 siblings had attended the school, my oldest brother and his wife had run the pta years before, most of the teachers and even the secretary were the same ones that had known me as a child. Oh, yes, the job was mine. It was going to be the best job in the world and I dreamt I would become one of those teachers that taught in the same position for hundreds of years and kids would ask me if I was alive when the dinosaurs were on earth!

My first year was fun and exciting, frustrating and challenging, gruelling and diplomatic, outrageous and bizzare, professional and elegant. I discovered a side of me I loved and hated. I was indeed a work-a-holic. They way we were taught at college was to teach the whole child. Body, mind and soul. Body, being the physical and academic and technical; the mind not just the over achievers, but to see each child as a different part of a machine, completely different but every part just as important. To teach to the emotions and realise every child has a different home environment that needs to be considered. My first year class consisted of a handful of children who had lost a parent tracgically within a year or less. It was a group so unlikely to be put together, and yet we had an amazing year! I faced the challenges of working in a small community where many of their parents had known me as a child, were related to my family or were friends of my siblings. Teacher could not go anywhere or do anything without the world knowing! Luckily the flip side of that coin worked to my advantage as I often knew all about their news before they even told the class and telling tall stories soon came to an end!

My social life had become non-exisistent as a separated parent and "public figure" the last thing I wanted was my personal life to be public and my own children to become confused or rumours at school etc.. (My daughter attended the school too)

At that point I had in my mind that I would be alone forever and have a few good friends and a dozen cats when I was old and grey, that was what I told myself. Love was for dreamers and perfect families didnt exist, my very classroom reflected that. The dysfunctional family was now the norm and funtional families were in the minorities. As the saying goes we cannot chose our family, and if we could... would we?

My social time was spent exploring a wonderous gadget I had discovered... Mobile internet! Oh, the joys! South African was not as technologically savvy when it comes to broadband and ADSL connections and you can survive pretty well without a computer, but without a mobile phone with internet capabilities? Oh, Hector, No! lol

Every kid had a cellphone and they were downloading music, hanging in chatrooms, using mxit and the likes. I found online trivia sites and gaming chatrooms the most appealing. We have the advantage of having a very wide variety of internet ready phones at our fingertips, no BREW apps and restictions by service providers. (ok, ok, I'm a geek! I just do my research well :) So we have Blackberry and Nokia smart phones not just handsets or paperweights lol So along with the world of technology comes meeting new people, sounds strange but its totally true! Many of my closest friends I have met on the internet.

So after my first Christmas as a separated woman, (and no support from the paternal donor) I find this awesomely dodgy site where one can be entertained by automated Trivia questions as well as chat along with other people. Majority of these people are the:"Hey baby, what you wearing?" types or the more straight forward of the variety, whom mostly I ignored and merrily answered the trivia.

I had been meeting people for drinks or lunch or at a club always ensuring they knew a) I was not looking for a man and b) I don't need coitus. I was a proud mom just looking for friends or someone to chat to, to break away from the everyday stuff, and mostly people were very understanding. I never went alone to meet them and I always made sure they thought I was more of a weirdo than they were!

School progressed and being an extrovert and someone who does not know how to say: NO. I was soon emerged in many activities that were not in school hours nor rewarded monetarily. My contract had a lovely clause I read after signing:" Extra-curicular activities shall not be renumerated. " I was the first aid official to the entire intermediate phase this meant that at any point during my day if a student grade4-7 was injured badly or simply got a paper cut, they got sent to my classroom whether I was teaching or not I was to see to them. No, my american friends we do not have school nurses, and the office didn't want kids in and out all day. I was teaching all 8 learning areas to my class as well as teaching Religion to the class next door and the grade6's, technology to Grade 6's and Art to Grades6 and 7. I sat on the religion comitee and the fundraising commitee. I helped co-ordinate inter-school sports and coach volleyball and netball. We started an art club as well, there were 4 teachers including myself who were recent grads and we had spunk, spark and enthusiasm! Even when we were shouted down by the dinosaurs and Trunchbulls we kept going as we knew they were us once and we were doing this for the kids! We had many run ins with authorities and survived them well! It is very hard to be the teacher when your collegues were once your teachers. The student in you is still scared of detention and demerits! It was school policy to give demerits and after 10demerits you got a DT slip that had to be signed by your parent. By the end of my first year I had learnt so much, I had cried so much and laughed so much. I should have written a book, learners say the funniest things and yet now, I cannot remember any to share with you! Perhaps I am becoming a dinosaur!

You may be wondering why I am being so general in this discussion of my experiences, well I shall tell ya. See that year, I was summoned to the office during my holiday. Turns out, the head had been informed of someone writing or leaking confidential school information on a certain social website.The dinosaurs did not use puters, and were not about to I guess the evil machine theory stems from here. The person was not a staff member or a parent but simply a past student. Well as I had close ties to this person it was assumed that I leaked information, which i did not, at least I don't remember, buut then the CONFIDENTIAL info was SO trivial I could have! Anyhow in an effort of diplomacy and secrecy and to keep all things cloaked and clandestine I hope I have not disclosed any info to you that you may use against the school that I have not mentioned, and no names have been changed to protect the victims nor have they been enlisted in protection programs for their own safety but I have left the country since! More on that NEXT!~>

Chapter 4, Get married for the right reasons

So after signing up to do a three year diploma in Education, I ended up finishing my 4 year degree in 5 years. Nothing is ever simple in life and whenever you think you have a plan something changes it for you and you must adapt or die! Ok, not die, but seriously consider the alternatives.

My whirlwind romance and relationship was doing as many whirlwinds do, it had run its course. As denial was my friend, I was trying to patch it in any way possible, I wanted a family for my kids, a mom and a dad, at any cost. Almost at every cost actually is more accurate. Mom and Dad argued more than they breathed, everything was wrong. I forget how many times a wedding ring was flung at me.

My new husband worked crazy shifts, nights in an unstable job, as he was unskilled, service and hospitality industry work was all he could do, and with a lil influence from friends and family he landed minimum wage jobs. Working abroad was all the rage at that time, cruise ships in the Carribean, Teaching in Korea, And bartending  in the UAE. He applied for most of those and finally was called to work, to leave South Africa in less than 2months to work in Dubai, we had been married less than 6months at that point. We had great hopes and dreams of him working and sending money home, to be able to afford to move out of my parents house and into our own, with our own family, finally. It never happened.

Two months after leaving, he returned for his fathers funeral, things were strange between us, I was happy when he left. He phoned less, which was ok because it meant we fought less. Finally after many bitter lonely nights he admitted he was seeing someone else. My husband had gone abroad and found a broad. Everyone always thought he was the bad guy, I got the pity look at family functions, divorce was not a popular event in our family and in my life only happened maybe two or three times in all our relatives marriages. But truly I was relieved, I was relieved that I didnt have to pretend everything was cool anymore, or make excuses for him or his behavior anymore, he made his decision and I was adamant to provide my kids with the best of the best on my own and I was well on my way to achieving that. My children were and still are my strength, my blessings and my joy.

SO I completed my degree, graduated and landed a job at the lil Catholic school down the road that I had attended as a child.

Chapter 3, the next children brings new challenges

College life was moving swiftly along and over the years bf and I had fall-outs and issues as any young, dumb couple would have. And dumb we were! After passing first and second year of College and picking a few courses and dropping others I once again found myself pregnant! It was no immaculate conception, but I was surprised as though it were one!

My favorite lecturer, one day during one of our many coffee, smoke and heart to hearts in her office, told me something that makes me laugh still. I told her my highschool class were so supportive, it could have been any one of them that fell preggers that year and we were tight. She said, no, they all were using contraceptives I was the naive young girl who thought babies came from storks! Thinking back she was so right, naive I was, an yet still so eager to discover the world of pleasures that are available to women with the right resources. My parents in all their perfection never had "the talk" with me, it wasn't a topic we discussed, it just wasn't done. The sex ed classes, they didn't want us to attend in 6th and 7th grade (std4 and 5) we ended up attending but things were very scientifically explained and I dont think I really made the connection at that tender age, when they were talking about that certain bodiliy organ of our male counter part that was to enter the invagination of the female in the similar region and then procede with coital action that would encourage fertiliztion to occur and then produce a fetus, that this is the same thing as making love, which in some novels I had read to be euphoric and phenomenal, just didnt ever register to me as the same act until it was too late.

So after my first baby, I went on a injectable contraceptive that had a 98% effectiveness. My mother having had eight children had clearly passed me her fertility gene, I was in the 2% and was pregnant when my daughter was just over three years old. In third year of my degree and adamant that the only option I had was to just do it! Just do the degree, have the baby, finish the degree, bugger what people said or thought, I was here to get an education and make a future for my kids not to be liked or find cliques to hang with. I had my future and my kids futures in my hands, bf was not qualified in anything, so I was determined to become an independent woman. ( I later contradicted myself wholly, but thats a story for later)

My degree was a practical degree, meaning that for approximately 10weeks of the year we were emmersed in the classroom as a student teacher. A time of the year we all loved and hated. Loved because we were able to actually teach and interact with learners as we all loved to do. Hated because along with weeks of classroom lessons and planning came the horrid CRITS! Crits were awful mostly, the teaching file had to be organised just so, the lesson plans had to have the correct learning outcomes and assessment standards in the correct places, so that on the day when the lecturer visited to CRIT you you would hopefully survive and pass the observation. Some lecturers were mild and even dare I say lovely, while others found no problem inpicking you out in front of a class to correct you or even take over your lesson and ask you to sit. As you may have gathered CRIT is short for CRiTICISE, and No one wants to be criticised ever, especially when you know the lecturers disscuss how you taught amoung themselves or used you as an example during lectures.

SO moving along, in third year I missed teaching practice and took it as a break to have my son, 3.1kgs born with bf again by my side even thoough we had broken up a record number of times that year. 4months later I was pregnant again, the injectable contraceptive that was now 98.5% accurate was no match for my fertility genes! This pregnancy was my most trying, if I thought the looks and stares I got in high school were bad they weren't anything from the looks I got on campus. I'm not going into detail about this pregnancy or the time surrounding it s it is still painful, perhaps one day I will, all I can say is a perfect baby on my 7month pre-natal check-up was called back to Heaven for as he was too perfect to live amoung us, he now plays on God's football team and I miss him dearly.

Bf and I got married that year as did my sister and her husband, they are married 5years this year and ours lasted barely a year.