Introduction
As the metro train approaches the Kalker Dock Station in the early hours of Monday morning, the trains wheels squeal on the rails.
The sight of the ocean in the early morning light, waves gently licking the rocks as the gulls circled the harbour. As the train pulls into sight, the crowd moves forward on the platform, as they do everyday embarking on the new day. They push and plunge into the depth of the overcrowded carriage. School children laugh and greet each other. Some gentlemen step aside to give their seats to over-sized ladies.
The sight of the ocean in the early morning light, waves gently licking the rocks as the gulls circled the harbour. As the train pulls into sight, the crowd moves forward on the platform, as they do everyday embarking on the new day. They push and plunge into the depth of the overcrowded carriage. School children laugh and greet each other. Some gentlemen step aside to give their seats to over-sized ladies.
Further back in the carriage she sits. Pregnant. Her bag is laden with books and assignments due and past due. She sits reading a third language course book. Pregnant. Her school uniform, white shirt and stripped tie, her bulky jersey pulled over her stomach and skirt, too long, an over-sized blazer with the school crest hides the facts. Pregnant. The train pulls into the station, she pushes her way out, she's late! The train was late again. She is so tired lately. As she walks into the hustle and bustle of the street crowd making its way through the busy city centre she sees street vendors and business men, taxi drivers and hooligans. Pregnant. She walks past the police station, the Magistrates court, the public gardens, daunting buildings where your future is determined when you make bad decisions. Some young children pass her laughing on their way to school, happy and carefree, she remembers being them, worry free. As she enters the school gates finally at her destination, the Dominican High School for Girls, she sighs; pregnant.
Chapter One
"Good Morning Marva!" Someone calls out. Head down she makes it down the hallway to homeroom. Trying to disappear she sits in the back. The class is noisy, a bit more than usual. Whispers and giggles, looks of shock and scandal! "Hey Marva! " Its Carol, class genius. She takes the seat in front and turns to face her :" Did you hear the big scandal? Someone in our year is pregnant! I think its Clarissa, she's been 'out sick' almost 3 days and we all know how she parties!" She is saved from commenting as the teacher enters. They all stand and greet her in unison. Mrs Briggs gets out the attendance register and calls the girls names alphabetically :" Sisulu, Johanna, yes, I see you, nice haircut! Wakefield, Marigold? She calls out each girls name, the girls sit in silence as she does, they are to always be polite, well-mannered ladies. Yes, and lastly Zahlo, Marva? OK, I know you are all excited for the dance this weekend, lets just get through this week, have a great day girls!" She dismisses them to their lessons. Marva skulks through the week, avoiding conversation and direct eye contact. The burden is over-bearing, she's in denial, no its not denial, maybe its guilt. She has no clue how to solve her predicament. Every adult will be disappointed and and pity her, the shame, she cannot face the shame. Every adult will feel anger at her foolishness, she has no one to confide in, she has no one who will not judge immediately. Eve is sitting on the train with her, going home, the train is late as always. "Why did you ignore me the other morning? I know you heard me, you been so weird this week, whats going on?" Marva fiddled with her backpack straps, eyes downcast. "It's nothing, I just got stuff on my mind, school stuff, just a lot to catch up." Eve laughed, " Ya, you and me both, last year of High school, we can do it man, we scrape past every year!" Eve laughed, they had, somehow managed every year to leave assignments and test prep to the last minutes and still been ok. No matter what this year, she was going to pass, no matter what, she decided right there, she would get through this year.
The school week drags by, Thursday arrives, the day for her last dress fitting. Marva and her mother have been designing her dress for the dance for months. Heavy Satin in a damask creme fabric was selected, when Marva saw it in the Fabric shop window, she had to have it, she walked by it for weeks before finally building up the courage to ask her mother if she could chose that fabric. She was pleasantly surprised her mother had agreed. Her mother was always keeping it conservative and Marva passively accepting. Her dressmaker was an old family friend. Marva's father grew up with her husband and they fishes together, well respected community elders and upstanding men. Marva undressed to her under garments; as she got into the dress her dressmaker zips her up and clucks :" Mm, you picked up some extra baggage it seems, I will let these seams out some, I know you love bread and pastries, but for heavens sake child, just two more days till the dance, can you stay away from it, so all my hard work is rewarded?" Marva sheepishly steps out of the dress :" Yes Miss Sally, I will." Her pulse races hoping Miss Sally has not figured out her secret she keeps denying.
Marva meets her mom out in the car, mom looks tired, Dad has not been watching his meds, Mom is not getting enough sleep and as always money is tight. "How was the fitting? Did you tell Miss Sally I will pay her at the end of the month? We have to stop by your brothers school, he has an awards evening. I hope it doesn't run too late, you know how your father gets if dinner is late." Marva settles back in her seat while mother continues to talk. Marva wonders when she will be able to sneak away tonight, she has to see Hassloe, she has to talk to him, he will know what to do. This week has been to full to sneak away to see him. She wonders what time his shift ends at the bar. "Marva! Are you listening?" They have arrived home. Her mother is talking, she has no idea about what. "Mm, yes mom, OK, I have homework I will have dinner later." She is about to go upstairs to her room, her bag is heavy and her head is tired. "Marva, you will come and eat dinner with us. Go wash your hands and set the table."
Seventeen years old but she feels like she is still eight. Marva washes her hands and sets the table for four. Her older brother, Luke, is telling dad about all his awards he got, dad is beaming and they laugh together. No one expects that much of Marva, being the youngest in a larger family, she is not the most important and certainly not the most impressive. After dinner Marva does the dishes, Luke and Dad are still talking college and academia. Mom is falling asleep in the recliner by the TV with her knitting in her lap, probably making a jersey for one of the grandchildren. Luke and Marva are the last two at home, her older siblings are married and living their own lives successfully, happily married and having happily having children! Marva dries the last of the dishes and goes up to her room. She is so tired, but while Mom is resting she needs to see Hass. She sneaks out the front door, no one hears.
Seventeen years old but she feels like she is still eight. Marva washes her hands and sets the table for four. Her older brother, Luke, is telling dad about all his awards he got, dad is beaming and they laugh together. No one expects that much of Marva, being the youngest in a larger family, she is not the most important and certainly not the most impressive. After dinner Marva does the dishes, Luke and Dad are still talking college and academia. Mom is falling asleep in the recliner by the TV with her knitting in her lap, probably making a jersey for one of the grandchildren. Luke and Marva are the last two at home, her older siblings are married and living their own lives successfully, happily married and having happily having children! Marva dries the last of the dishes and goes up to her room. She is so tired, but while Mom is resting she needs to see Hass. She sneaks out the front door, no one hears.
At 10pm the little town is still alive, she walks down the main street, most shops are closed, a few barristers at the Café au Lait are outside smoking, next door at the Silver Horn the music is happy the crowd is rowdy and the air is filled with the aroma of alcohol and fishermen, cigarettes and french fries. Marva walks past the doorman he knows her well, he signals to the barkeep, his face lights up! "Hello gorgeous! What can I get you?" He leans across the bar and kisses her. His eyes glint with menace and lust. He throws a bottle of vodka around, flips it and pours. Slides it over to her. She fingers it lightly, unsure where to start. "Hass, we need to talk..." Eyes big in the restaurant light, she fiddles with her long blonde hair. Her heart is pumping hard and fast, she is scared. "Sure thing babe, I have been wanting to talk to you all week, I have a lil green stuff I thought we could try together? If you want to that is, no pressure!" Marva smiles, unenthusiastically, she looks at her untouched vodka and pushes it away. " What time are you done here? Its serious."
"Hey, hey, hey babe, what's the matter? I can leave now, Steve can close up, Steve! Yeah? OK, let's go!"
Hass opens the door of the VW beetle, the engine has seen better days. "Hassloe, I need a pregnancy test." Marva blurts out the minute they are alone in the bug. Hassloe laughs, clearly he is not taking her seriously. He saunters out of the car into the pharmacy, he comes back with a paper bag and a grin on his face. Tosses the bag her way and drives off.
"Hey, hey, hey babe, what's the matter? I can leave now, Steve can close up, Steve! Yeah? OK, let's go!"
Hass opens the door of the VW beetle, the engine has seen better days. "Hassloe, I need a pregnancy test." Marva blurts out the minute they are alone in the bug. Hassloe laughs, clearly he is not taking her seriously. He saunters out of the car into the pharmacy, he comes back with a paper bag and a grin on his face. Tosses the bag her way and drives off.
She sits in the cold bathroom all alone, her eyes not processing what she sees. The two blue lines staring back at her are ominous. She is convinced she has done this wrong, she must have. This can't be right, she tells herself. Even though in her gut she already knew the truth long before the test. Pregnant.
Chapter 2
Hassloe was a drifter, unstable and unpredictable. It's what she loved about him but she couldn't envision a stable future with him. She pushed these thoughts out of her mind and told herself she would curb him, teach him, love him and he would melt and mold into a wonderful, loving, caring and respectable husband and father. Oh the life they would lead! The adventures and the happiness they would have! The mother she would be to this child would be loving and caring regardless of the child's academic ability or choices she would love this child and support this child through every little thing life threw at them!
"Marva! Hey! What you day dreaming about? The girls at school were so damn nosy always wanting to know every detail of every thought! Nothing, just home stuff. Your skirt is short today hey, you looking?" She yelled back:" No man don't be versin! You mos know I'm still with Hass."
"Marva Zahlo, you are wanted in the office." The intercom boomed. Her heart dropped. There were times when her school fees were paid late, she was hauled out of class and sent home until her father's check cleared. Her father worked so hard to put all his children through private Catholic schools. He always paid, sometimes late, but he always did. She gathered her belongings and made her way to the office. The secretary told her to wait, she clutched her bag to herself, aware of eyes monitoring her. She hung her head and waited. Mrs Spruce came out and ushered her in to her office.
"Hello Marva, how are you?"
She just smiled. She nodded her head.
"I suppose you are wondering why I called you here, you see it has been brought to my attention that you may be in some trouble. So I have to ask you some things is that ok?"
She nodded. "Marva, I'm just going to ask you straight are you pregnant?"
Her eyes brimming with tears she let out a breath and said:" I don't know!"
Mrs Spruce looking sympathetically at her, :"Well do you think you could be?" She nodded and the tears rolled. "I took a test, but I think I did it wrong, there were two lines but they didn't look like they should. I don't know what to do."
"Marva, I believe you need to see a doctor. Would you like me to go with you to my doctor?" She nodded, her head swimming, this was all so much!
"Alright then, what about your parents, what shall we do about telling them?"
Marva's eyes widened with fear and sadness, she knew how much of a disappointment this would be to her parents, they expected so much. They worked so hard. Mrs Spruce was still talking.The tears were streaming down her face, warm and soaking.
Marva, you need to tell them by Monday or I will tell them. And Marva, I will do everything in my power to ensure the girls and this school supports you, because you will not drop out, you will finish your schooling here, as you should."
Yes thought Zahlo, that is it, that is what I must do. Just focus on what I can control and finish my school year, I will pass and I will be fine. No matter what happens.
Chapter 3
She lay in bed Saturday morning, always a lazy morning, a day for laundering her school uniform and helping out at home. She lay there unable to move. She knew she had to find her mother and have the talk. Her mother had never had the talk with her. Her mom had five daughters it may have slipped her mind, perhaps she thought one of her sisters had told her. Marva had to figure out what menstruation was by herself, and she had never realised that human reproduction was actually the same thing as being sexy and making love. Raised by Catholic parents of the older generation, she would never dream of discussing or asking inquisitive questions relating to sex or boys or bodily functions, she was a nice girl, a respectable girl she was told. She was so surprised by the intensity and all the sensations being with someone unlocked, they never talked about that in Sex Ed or Biology. She remembers laughing about NO feelings with her friends during the awkward video they saw at school, but why did no one ever tell her about Yes!! feelings? That's what got her here. Here. She lay in bed, and then, her door opened and her mom came in. She rolled over in bed. "Marva, come, it's time to get up, you can't sleep the whole day there's things that must get done. Marva? Do you hear me? Come." Her mom pushed the covers aside and sat on the edge of her bed. Marva could hear her mom's expression, hear the questions about to come, hear the shame, the tension about to unfold that would change her life. "What's the matter? Come get up." Her mom clucked at her. She rolled over in bed, furiously fighting her tears, knowing the moment had come. She could tell her mom now and mom would know how to handle dad. "Mom, I have to tell you something, " She started to say, her body trembling with fear for the anger and disappointment that she anticipated was about to follow. "Mom, I dont know how to... Mom, um... I'm pregnant." Her mother looked at Marva's face, her eyes searching and then locked with her daughters. For a moment Marva thought her mom would break down and cry, but she saw her emotion shift, composed. "I know." The room felt heavy, breath short and laboured. "I know Marva, I've been waiting for you to come to me. I know you're pregnant, I've known for awhile." Her mom took a deep breathe, chest puffed out, tilted her head head back and rubbing her hands put them in her lap, she was a strong woman, survived many obstacles and challenges in her own life, having Marva, against doctors advice, at 45 was not one of them. "This baby is a blessing, don't let anyone say any different. This baby will be loved and provided for. Now, come. You must tell your father." Marva lay there unable to speak. Tell her father? She had thought her mom would take care of that. Tell her father? She couldnt, the man had had such a hard life growing up, he was getting on in years, he was almost 65, she couldnt be one of the disappointments, how could she, she loved her father so much, his stern ways was what drove the family, the ultimate patriarch, the doting husband, beloved Grandfather and strict father. Her father loved his family, his church and working in the community which he grew up in. He was a hard worker, when his eldest son had started delivering newspapers at 13, he passed the paper route along to his siblings, Marva, the youngest had always delivered papers, up at 6am to do her section of the route 5 days a week. Her dad still got up 7 days a week and delivered newspapers, even though he had retired, even being the Justice of the Peace, he did his part. "Don't be afraid of hard work!" he would tell them, "Its what built this family!" Her father was the most proud of his family, the sheer size of it, the wonder of having them all over for celebrations, the joy it gave him to impart his wisdom and pave a way for their future. "Education is something no one can take from you, I've given you children the very best! A class!" He was so proud of having all his children go through Catholic Education, world class private schools. He didn't mind making sacrifices to make it happen and even when he had so little he made sure everyone had enough, not just the family, anyone who knocked on his door was greeted with dignity and kindness, a plate of food, hospitality, conversation and lots of laughter. Didnt matter if you were the bum on the corner or the Mayor of the city, her father welcomed you. Disappointment, as one gets older either eventually doesn't phase you, you brush it aside, look for the positive and plow forward, you lower your expectations but never your standards; or you carry it, stone by stone you load that burden on your shoulders and it molds and forms and pushes down reminding you, you are human, breakable, fragile, imperfect. Its part of building character, its how we grow, we see our failures and learn from them. When our children are born, we envision a future for them, we project our hopes and dreams down their life path for them, we try to guide them, help them grow in the right direction avoiding pitfalls and collisions. However we are not in the drivers seat, or even the passenger seat, parents are more like the previous cars owner, and they loved that car!
