Chapter 6: The Internet Affair

My phone had somehow become an extention of my arm, most viewed it as an addiction, but truth be told, it was (and still is) my security blanket. See a smart phone is a wonderful thing when you feel alone in the world. With a simple click you are connected to the entire planets database of people who feel the same as you, or worse. People desperate to find love, happiness and mostly just a friend. In South Africa and I guess in many countries, people are so scared to face the reality of a real person, they feel much safer chatting to a guy on the internet than chatting to a random guy on the street, even though the guy on the internet could be a lesbian, posing as a guy to get close to girls or a lil old lady with strange fantasies. Its a risk chatters take, as it feels like a safer risk than meeting a real life person and discovering they are not perfect, just like you. Many people also see the internet as an evil invasion of privacy, a platform where people can scam you and infiltrate your bank details, take over your life and even make it so that you do not exist! well people, yes I guess that happens, it can happen to you, so proceed with caution.
So the sites I haunted were varied. I tried every free site I heard of, the dating sites I steered clear of because most of them either asked you to pay a subscription fee or a once off payment. While others just looked creepy to me. I'm sorry but the: "Hi, my name is (insert random name here), I love you, will you marry me?" just wasn't what I was looking for, I wanted independence and to be a strong, powerful woman, whom men wanted, but would never get! I wanted to Hurt their species like I had been hurt. Many times I'd be chatting in a group and men would ask for contact details and I would get great joy out of rejecting them. There were also the sex chatters on all sites, you know the type, alias names like " HARD4U" or "thicnjuici" They enter a room and most are ignored as they type things like "holler 123, for a hard time with me" Horrors, when they are suficiently ignored the smart ones just leave while the majority of them will harrass you with IM's (instant messages) or PM's (private messages) Mostly I would try chatting some sense into them, "dude, do your neurological processes prohibit you from using courteous conversation to engage one in meaningful communication? " And they'd be scared off, or we'd laugh and get chatting, I met some real nice people that way, we discussed politics and science and the purposes of life, which ended up being far more pleasurable for both parties as opposed to what they were looking for.

So the site of my preference was losing numbers and so I was told about a new chatsite, more developed
more fun options, so I gave it a go! My favorite feature of this site was it had a trivia room, and I could access it from my cellphone! After a few weeks on this site i had come the following conclusions: Internet marriages were weird, and Americans were weirder! This site was dodgy, the characters shady! Mostly an all American site, but others here and there. So I sat in the trivia room like a library nerd and just answered the questions that were spat into the room by the automated site, you had a bit of time to answer the question before the system told you the answer. no points just pride. Another plus in this chat was that the sex chatters generally stayed out of the Triva room. Until one night. It was late, and after 3 guys one after the other came in harrassing me, I had no energy or pluck to combat them with smart words, I figured the next guy that comes in I'm gonna harass HIM!!! Damn men!

Shortly a male user enters, before he can get a word out, I ask him one of the common phrases guys usually askes invovling asking if you have horns. The gentleman that he is he ignores my suggestion and engages me in meaningful conversation using his neurological processes to emit conversation that was pleasurable as well as intense. Finally a man who is not just seeking a woman as prey, but can converse with intellegence and integrity. We chatted for 24hours straight longer some days, breaking occassionally when he had to work, it was school holidays for me. We caught each other online waiting for the other. We were so caught up enjoying each others company that the basic details of ASL were over looked. (Age, Sex, Location)

So one afternoon we are chatting as usual and this girl starts messaging me, saying he is a liar he is a dirty old man. She says he is 44. I was shocked but I wasn't about to let some little teenager spoil my friendship. I graciously told her that age is of no importance to me, as we had never discussed it. Her bubble burst, she left us. His profile displayed his age as 35, he looked 28,maybe 30. I was 26, 44 was the age of my eldest sibling. We discussed it for awhile and decided that age was not as issue, it did feel weird, but after chatting so long he was already melting my very frozen heart slowly. But that did not change the fact that America and South Africa were very, very far away from each other.

He is a great dreamer and explorer, a knight in shining armour to a woman who was so wounded. he was interested in my children and me and me and me and... me! lol He spoke of whisking me away and giving me a good life, a family all the things I wanted, and i wanted desperately to believe him. But, come on, this is the internet! I went along with his dreams and mine, no harm in pretending. The imagination is an amazing escape. I priced plane tickets and we spoke of being together some day soon! Somehow the he crept completely into my real life, which at first frightened me greatly but then strengthened me. We decided to take the plunge, we were going to meet!

Hiss friends and collegues gave him a hard time, saying bringing a woman over from Africa would only lead to being scammed, saying I was only after his money! (still looking for it btw lol) My friends and family were worried, what if he lived in a trailer with six kids and was an abuser? or worse!  I was called an irresponsible mother! My parents wanted him to come meet them first. I had my reasons for wanting to come to the USA before he went to South Africa.

South Africa, Cape Town, Kalk Bay. That was what my children knew. That was where they knew their father. I was not only taking them on a holiday to the USA, I was taking them to meet someone so important to me, someone I believe will be a great asset to our family, our family that was missing a paternal partner. I wanted my kids to get to know him on American soil so that they would see him as a new member of our family and not a replacement.

We discussed the possibilities from every possible angle, what could happen and the pro's and cons were even. We decide to split the cost of the airfare. He wired money to my account and that day was a milestone for us both. He risked me being a scammer and running off with his money and I gained his trust by his gesture. After 11months of chatting and very high phone bills on his side, we were finally going to meet.

Chapter 5, A school teachers life is never simple

I was so over-confident at my job intervew for this post, It was September, the College year began in January and ended in October. So with a few weeks to spare till the end of the final year of study I happened upon an advert placed in a lil local newspaper, actually I saw it a few times and something about it just made me certain it was mine. I only applied at the very last minute and made no other applications whatsoever. My family had much history in the community, 4 of my 8 siblings had attended the school, my oldest brother and his wife had run the pta years before, most of the teachers and even the secretary were the same ones that had known me as a child. Oh, yes, the job was mine. It was going to be the best job in the world and I dreamt I would become one of those teachers that taught in the same position for hundreds of years and kids would ask me if I was alive when the dinosaurs were on earth!

My first year was fun and exciting, frustrating and challenging, gruelling and diplomatic, outrageous and bizzare, professional and elegant. I discovered a side of me I loved and hated. I was indeed a work-a-holic. They way we were taught at college was to teach the whole child. Body, mind and soul. Body, being the physical and academic and technical; the mind not just the over achievers, but to see each child as a different part of a machine, completely different but every part just as important. To teach to the emotions and realise every child has a different home environment that needs to be considered. My first year class consisted of a handful of children who had lost a parent tracgically within a year or less. It was a group so unlikely to be put together, and yet we had an amazing year! I faced the challenges of working in a small community where many of their parents had known me as a child, were related to my family or were friends of my siblings. Teacher could not go anywhere or do anything without the world knowing! Luckily the flip side of that coin worked to my advantage as I often knew all about their news before they even told the class and telling tall stories soon came to an end!

My social life had become non-exisistent as a separated parent and "public figure" the last thing I wanted was my personal life to be public and my own children to become confused or rumours at school etc.. (My daughter attended the school too)

At that point I had in my mind that I would be alone forever and have a few good friends and a dozen cats when I was old and grey, that was what I told myself. Love was for dreamers and perfect families didnt exist, my very classroom reflected that. The dysfunctional family was now the norm and funtional families were in the minorities. As the saying goes we cannot chose our family, and if we could... would we?

My social time was spent exploring a wonderous gadget I had discovered... Mobile internet! Oh, the joys! South African was not as technologically savvy when it comes to broadband and ADSL connections and you can survive pretty well without a computer, but without a mobile phone with internet capabilities? Oh, Hector, No! lol

Every kid had a cellphone and they were downloading music, hanging in chatrooms, using mxit and the likes. I found online trivia sites and gaming chatrooms the most appealing. We have the advantage of having a very wide variety of internet ready phones at our fingertips, no BREW apps and restictions by service providers. (ok, ok, I'm a geek! I just do my research well :) So we have Blackberry and Nokia smart phones not just handsets or paperweights lol So along with the world of technology comes meeting new people, sounds strange but its totally true! Many of my closest friends I have met on the internet.

So after my first Christmas as a separated woman, (and no support from the paternal donor) I find this awesomely dodgy site where one can be entertained by automated Trivia questions as well as chat along with other people. Majority of these people are the:"Hey baby, what you wearing?" types or the more straight forward of the variety, whom mostly I ignored and merrily answered the trivia.

I had been meeting people for drinks or lunch or at a club always ensuring they knew a) I was not looking for a man and b) I don't need coitus. I was a proud mom just looking for friends or someone to chat to, to break away from the everyday stuff, and mostly people were very understanding. I never went alone to meet them and I always made sure they thought I was more of a weirdo than they were!

School progressed and being an extrovert and someone who does not know how to say: NO. I was soon emerged in many activities that were not in school hours nor rewarded monetarily. My contract had a lovely clause I read after signing:" Extra-curicular activities shall not be renumerated. " I was the first aid official to the entire intermediate phase this meant that at any point during my day if a student grade4-7 was injured badly or simply got a paper cut, they got sent to my classroom whether I was teaching or not I was to see to them. No, my american friends we do not have school nurses, and the office didn't want kids in and out all day. I was teaching all 8 learning areas to my class as well as teaching Religion to the class next door and the grade6's, technology to Grade 6's and Art to Grades6 and 7. I sat on the religion comitee and the fundraising commitee. I helped co-ordinate inter-school sports and coach volleyball and netball. We started an art club as well, there were 4 teachers including myself who were recent grads and we had spunk, spark and enthusiasm! Even when we were shouted down by the dinosaurs and Trunchbulls we kept going as we knew they were us once and we were doing this for the kids! We had many run ins with authorities and survived them well! It is very hard to be the teacher when your collegues were once your teachers. The student in you is still scared of detention and demerits! It was school policy to give demerits and after 10demerits you got a DT slip that had to be signed by your parent. By the end of my first year I had learnt so much, I had cried so much and laughed so much. I should have written a book, learners say the funniest things and yet now, I cannot remember any to share with you! Perhaps I am becoming a dinosaur!

You may be wondering why I am being so general in this discussion of my experiences, well I shall tell ya. See that year, I was summoned to the office during my holiday. Turns out, the head had been informed of someone writing or leaking confidential school information on a certain social website.The dinosaurs did not use puters, and were not about to I guess the evil machine theory stems from here. The person was not a staff member or a parent but simply a past student. Well as I had close ties to this person it was assumed that I leaked information, which i did not, at least I don't remember, buut then the CONFIDENTIAL info was SO trivial I could have! Anyhow in an effort of diplomacy and secrecy and to keep all things cloaked and clandestine I hope I have not disclosed any info to you that you may use against the school that I have not mentioned, and no names have been changed to protect the victims nor have they been enlisted in protection programs for their own safety but I have left the country since! More on that NEXT!~>

Chapter 4, Get married for the right reasons

So after signing up to do a three year diploma in Education, I ended up finishing my 4 year degree in 5 years. Nothing is ever simple in life and whenever you think you have a plan something changes it for you and you must adapt or die! Ok, not die, but seriously consider the alternatives.

My whirlwind romance and relationship was doing as many whirlwinds do, it had run its course. As denial was my friend, I was trying to patch it in any way possible, I wanted a family for my kids, a mom and a dad, at any cost. Almost at every cost actually is more accurate. Mom and Dad argued more than they breathed, everything was wrong. I forget how many times a wedding ring was flung at me.

My new husband worked crazy shifts, nights in an unstable job, as he was unskilled, service and hospitality industry work was all he could do, and with a lil influence from friends and family he landed minimum wage jobs. Working abroad was all the rage at that time, cruise ships in the Carribean, Teaching in Korea, And bartending  in the UAE. He applied for most of those and finally was called to work, to leave South Africa in less than 2months to work in Dubai, we had been married less than 6months at that point. We had great hopes and dreams of him working and sending money home, to be able to afford to move out of my parents house and into our own, with our own family, finally. It never happened.

Two months after leaving, he returned for his fathers funeral, things were strange between us, I was happy when he left. He phoned less, which was ok because it meant we fought less. Finally after many bitter lonely nights he admitted he was seeing someone else. My husband had gone abroad and found a broad. Everyone always thought he was the bad guy, I got the pity look at family functions, divorce was not a popular event in our family and in my life only happened maybe two or three times in all our relatives marriages. But truly I was relieved, I was relieved that I didnt have to pretend everything was cool anymore, or make excuses for him or his behavior anymore, he made his decision and I was adamant to provide my kids with the best of the best on my own and I was well on my way to achieving that. My children were and still are my strength, my blessings and my joy.

SO I completed my degree, graduated and landed a job at the lil Catholic school down the road that I had attended as a child.

Chapter 3, the next children brings new challenges

College life was moving swiftly along and over the years bf and I had fall-outs and issues as any young, dumb couple would have. And dumb we were! After passing first and second year of College and picking a few courses and dropping others I once again found myself pregnant! It was no immaculate conception, but I was surprised as though it were one!

My favorite lecturer, one day during one of our many coffee, smoke and heart to hearts in her office, told me something that makes me laugh still. I told her my highschool class were so supportive, it could have been any one of them that fell preggers that year and we were tight. She said, no, they all were using contraceptives I was the naive young girl who thought babies came from storks! Thinking back she was so right, naive I was, an yet still so eager to discover the world of pleasures that are available to women with the right resources. My parents in all their perfection never had "the talk" with me, it wasn't a topic we discussed, it just wasn't done. The sex ed classes, they didn't want us to attend in 6th and 7th grade (std4 and 5) we ended up attending but things were very scientifically explained and I dont think I really made the connection at that tender age, when they were talking about that certain bodiliy organ of our male counter part that was to enter the invagination of the female in the similar region and then procede with coital action that would encourage fertiliztion to occur and then produce a fetus, that this is the same thing as making love, which in some novels I had read to be euphoric and phenomenal, just didnt ever register to me as the same act until it was too late.

So after my first baby, I went on a injectable contraceptive that had a 98% effectiveness. My mother having had eight children had clearly passed me her fertility gene, I was in the 2% and was pregnant when my daughter was just over three years old. In third year of my degree and adamant that the only option I had was to just do it! Just do the degree, have the baby, finish the degree, bugger what people said or thought, I was here to get an education and make a future for my kids not to be liked or find cliques to hang with. I had my future and my kids futures in my hands, bf was not qualified in anything, so I was determined to become an independent woman. ( I later contradicted myself wholly, but thats a story for later)

My degree was a practical degree, meaning that for approximately 10weeks of the year we were emmersed in the classroom as a student teacher. A time of the year we all loved and hated. Loved because we were able to actually teach and interact with learners as we all loved to do. Hated because along with weeks of classroom lessons and planning came the horrid CRITS! Crits were awful mostly, the teaching file had to be organised just so, the lesson plans had to have the correct learning outcomes and assessment standards in the correct places, so that on the day when the lecturer visited to CRIT you you would hopefully survive and pass the observation. Some lecturers were mild and even dare I say lovely, while others found no problem inpicking you out in front of a class to correct you or even take over your lesson and ask you to sit. As you may have gathered CRIT is short for CRiTICISE, and No one wants to be criticised ever, especially when you know the lecturers disscuss how you taught amoung themselves or used you as an example during lectures.

SO moving along, in third year I missed teaching practice and took it as a break to have my son, 3.1kgs born with bf again by my side even thoough we had broken up a record number of times that year. 4months later I was pregnant again, the injectable contraceptive that was now 98.5% accurate was no match for my fertility genes! This pregnancy was my most trying, if I thought the looks and stares I got in high school were bad they weren't anything from the looks I got on campus. I'm not going into detail about this pregnancy or the time surrounding it s it is still painful, perhaps one day I will, all I can say is a perfect baby on my 7month pre-natal check-up was called back to Heaven for as he was too perfect to live amoung us, he now plays on God's football team and I miss him dearly.

Bf and I got married that year as did my sister and her husband, they are married 5years this year and ours lasted barely a year.

Chapter 2, yes there are many more to come!

So life got interesting being a mom at age 18 was very, very interesting. My own mom was 45 when she had me. I think that showed me how age isn't a factor. My husband and I have the same age difference as my daughter and I and most days he is such a kid!

South Africa was a new democracy when I had my baby, a world of opportunity, a world of possibility! Words like Ubuntu and post-apartheid being flung around, Rainbow nation came later. My daughters father was dutch, yes, and so, White, (yes, I'm South African it is my right to talk about colour lol) Me being a brown person, people still looked at you...like that. My baby was fair and blond-ish, I clearly was not. I remember one day I had taken a train to Claremont to do some shopping, diapers and the like, and I stopped in a lil chemist (drugstore) to pick up some chest rub. the lady at the cash register a colourful character kept peering at my baby, she was strapped in the front carrier, papoose thingy, she says: "Is die jou kind?' (is this your child?) I nod my head and smile..."mmm, maar dis mos 'n wit kind." ( mm, but thats a white child) To which I smile wider, pay her and walk out. I think that was my first encounter with people having issues with race. I was never made aware of others skin colour, people were people, victims of circumstances, warriors for causes, classed by wisdom and belief not colour! Colour classing was what young kids did with there smarties or m&m's or rascals.

So my mind was opened to so many things that happened around me, things that changed peoples lives and destroyed opportunities. In South Africa if you were previously disadvantaged because of your colour you enjoyed certain perks, first to get a job, first to get a scholarship, first to get a grant etc.. This is what we were told, this is what we saw. Being brown, I should have been at least second in line to get a bursary but as my sister found out, the universities seemed to think that because your father worked his backside off getting you through Catholic private education, private school students were dropped to the bottom of the pile when applying. I learned the same when I enrolled as an Education student at Cape College of Education.

My saint of a mother, watched my daughter all through me working for a year and then suggested I go study. Her advice was, become a teacher. The lazy student in me was reluctant. The kid who always found a way to cut corners figured, hey, average pay, decent hours and the best holidays in any job there is! I never thought I would find that teaching would become a passion for me, a devotion almost a calling. And so began my Education course to get a diploma (as was thought at the time). After a year at Cape College of education, it was clear this institution was going no where slowly, it was taken over by the Cape Technikon, an institution that was run by the New South Africa, and all its bitter previously disadvantaged pieces. The only great part was that our diploma that should have been 3year was extended to a 4year Internationally acredited and recognised degree. Can you hear that reluctant learner whining?LOL

Here is a poem I wrote and entered into a Poetry contest explaining life at the technikon during the transition:

Everything I want the tech to be;

Is not working out and it's not only me.
So many things you want to do,
But you never can get through
to the internet or even get a book.


Computerlabs are completely out of reach;
If u can get in you're scolded by some beach!
Who has a class of twenty-four,
So she kicks you out the door,
And your assignments go flying to the floor!


The library is a completely other thing,
For assistance you're told the bell to ring.
When they eventually move their ass
You find you're late for your next class,
And you wonder if you're ever going to pass!


One photocopier at Cape Technikon!
One tuckshop (cafeteria) line that seems to carry on!
As much as we beg and plead and scream!
For them to give us more machines,
All we get from them is go and talk to him!


He's at the top of the chain
Students might as well be in Spain!
For it looks like he doesn't know a thing!
About Anxiety and fear!
About Assignments due this year!
And we wonder if he's EVER gonna hear!

Chapter 1, I've always wanted to do this...

Blogging..I'm blogging.. no, I'm typing at a laptop in my kitchen while watching my daughter laugh at me from a far... has life become this technological? I guess so...

So I guess i had better start with an introduction for all those reading this that don't know me. (Do i do this formally??) I was born in Cape Town at Groote Schuur Hospital, like you care, right? Been through so much in my short life I truly do not even know where to start.. How bout with the present? I live in Washington State with my second husband and 3 kids... See even that sounds complicated, Ok, so how about with the past, my first husband left me, moved to Dubai and I have custody of our 2 kids whom we had prior to getting married. He is now re-married to a lovely Egyptian woman, he's Dutch btw... and I have a third child from my second husband who is American and I am South African, mmm, such an International family we are!

So seriously, I grew up in a lil town in Cape Town, South Africa called Kalk Bay, thats a pic there. Where the mountains meet the sea and the only things separating them is the two-laned main road and the railroad tracks. Beauty is a word that barely describes it. The youngest of 8 kids with an age gap of 17years between the eldest and myself, life was always interesting and still is. My father was a District city librarian and my mother a school teacher. Dad was always involved in some sort of charity work and mom was always feeding some poor beggar at the door or handing our old hand-me-down clothes further down the line to some needy family who was destitute on our doorstep. Many a person found shelter on our front stoop or in the "hokkie" (shed) in our back yard. The winters in Kalk Bay were fun!

The house has been in the family for decades and so would go through the trials and tests by the forces of nature, like in a bible story. The roof being made of corrugated iron sheets was always either blowing apart or sprouting leaks! We came up with many creative ways of catching water! Then there was the flooding, the house is built on a freshwater mountain spring,or so we think, so during the rainy seasons we were always lifting carpets and scooping water as the spring decided to come inside and say hello. Again creative methods of getting the unwelcomed visitor out were used, we cut milk bottles open to use as scoops, lay newspapers down to soak it up, swept it out the front door even! And still every year it was back like a pesky relative from out of town!

On that subject, every year, come summer time, the incredible beach days, boat days, surfing days brought an influx of tourists to our lil town. It also brought many international visitors from every side of our family. Dad, was from a large family as was Mom, so some distant or close relative was always in town.

As the years progressed before I even hit my teens my brothers and sisters were getting married and making me an Aunt. I was well skilled in diaper duty and putting a fussy infant to sleep before I was 10. I attended the local Catholic School and life was good. Something I learnt in later life was that I was exposed to life events like weddings and funerals etc.. yearly if not more, something my peers at school and college had not been. I think this prepared me greatly for so many things in life, I have met many people who have only been to one or two of these kinds of events in their lifetimes and the differences are huge.

When junior school came to an end at grade 7, I was sent to an all girls private school, where my sisters had all gone before me, and what big shoes they left for me to fill... but fill I did, in my own way! Not being much of an academic by choice, a lazy student I was unless driven by passion. I achieved average grades for the most part. I repeated grade 7 or achieved a 2 year diploma in the grade as I like to see it. Grade 8 was an incredible year, new friendships were created that would last me many years. I joined the SRC and was elected 3 years running, I was a member of many groups and societies and even sang in the choir for 3years. Boys were fun but I wasn't the commited type so long term relationships were few. By the end of Grade 11, I met the what I thought was the love of my life, we had a scandalous relationship that turned many heads and got disapproval from many sides, I was a convent girl, I was supposed to concentrate on my studies and become a learned woman of the world, well by the first term of 12th grade I was pregnant and the scandal was huge!

By May, someone told the principal I was pregnant, and whomever it was I should thank, as I did not have a plan and had not told my parents even though I was 5 months pregnant and showing. My principal arranged a trip to her doctor. She then told me either I tell my folks or she would and she would do everything within her power to ensure I complete my schooling. ( A principle in an all girls Catholic school is a very powerful being!) My parents took it as well as could be expected, every child is a blessing no matter how concieved, and through much love and support, I continued attending school right up until the second last day in full school uniform! (I had a skirt that covered my bump entirly so I just looked like a fat kid lol) On the last day of school I went into labor and had my 3.3kg baby girl with my bf and mother at my side and my sister and sister-in-law outside the labour room door, cringing at my screams! My class had thrown me a baby shower and I was well kitted out with every concievable baby item! The visitors and gifts we recieved that day and the weeks to come made me feel so loved and blessed! Four weeks later I was back at school to write my final exams and by the end of the year I was working in the retail field for a gap year while I decided what to study. Through all this my parents were my strength, it makes me so sad now that we are so far apart when we were always so close. i could have ended up a drop out and living off grants, but we were always taught that we had potential to be the best of whatever we wanted to be! To always think of others and always have a plan B!